I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
