i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
