1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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