You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I need a beard to bite.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
