What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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