I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
