Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
