i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
