she was so not down for the gang bang
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
