the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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