omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
only you would photoshop your dick
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
