we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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