my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
