So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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