i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
