You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
