I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
