anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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