I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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