The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
