I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
