My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I need water and some morals
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
