No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
