My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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