just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
