Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
