The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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