It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
