I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
