did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
