Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
