did you get engaged???
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
