Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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