i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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