I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
