That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
