Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
