Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
he just fucked me for my cheese..
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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