I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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