I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
