When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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