I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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