I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
