Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
