I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
