Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
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