Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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