Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
