my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We don't watch enough power rangers
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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