my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
