I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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